Recent trends have seen women bowing out of dating altogether, from going boy-sober and dabbling with celibacy. With what seems like an endless stream of disastrous dating stories, where can single people find the hope to keep going?
If you want to see the face of misery, talk to a single person. Actually, forgive me, talk to a single woman who dates men. Because an underlying sense of despair that was once endearing is now being eschewed for such desperate doom that it can only be accurately described as Orwellian.
“I’m considering moving country,” one single woman recently told me. “I’m not bothering anymore and have given up completely,” said another who’d just been ghosted. Other woeful daters cited the transactional culture fostered by apps, a pervasive lack of communication skills across the board, and sexual-slash-sociological disillusionment. One friend in her 30s simply said all the single men her age have no hair, to which I replied: “Jason Statham.”
Don’t get me wrong, as a single straight woman myself, I knew things were bad; my friends and I recently set up a support WhatsApp group to exchange stories, screenshots, and soundbites from our therapists. But I didn’t realise they were quite so apocalyptic. Consider the recent trends this year that have seen women bowing out of dating altogether, from going boy-sober and dabbling with celibacy all the way to the 4B movement that has seen women rejecting relationships with men in the name of politics.
Dating is in the midst of a PR crisis, one that I fear is only making things worse for everyone. Because as fun as it is to crash into a cocktail party, trading tales of terrible dates until the whole thing becomes a trauma bonding conference with #MenAreTrash-branded goodie bags, it’s probably not helpful. Negativity breeds negativity; if we’re all bumbling around the dating scene holding onto residual hostility and rage courtesy of the people who’ve hurt us, we’ll only wind up hurting each other.
Originally published on British Vogue.
It can become a kind of fetish among friends to exchange horrible stories about dating. But if this is all you’re hearing, you’ll start to believe in that world.
Matthew Hussey, world-renowned relationships expert and author of 'Love Life'
Still, it’s not easy. But with what seems like an endless stream of disastrous dating stories, where do we go looking for the hope we need to keep going? “It’s really easy to surround ourselves with people who are unhappy in love,” says Matthew Hussey, the world-renowned relationships expert and author of Love Life. “It can even become a kind of fetish among friends to exchange horrible stories about dating. But if this is all you’re hearing, you’ll start to believe in that world. Some people really enjoy dating and other people don’t. We have to start putting ourselves in the realities that are positive and remember that dating is just life.”
For whatever reason, we’ve been wrongly conditioned to believe that every dating experience is a failure unless it leads to a relationship that leads to a marriage – I blame this one on Richard Curtis (sorry). It’s a catastrophe waiting to happen for the simple and obvious fact that most of the people we date won’t wind up being our spouse. As dejecting as they can be, negative experiences are par for the course. “Managing expectations is important,” says Naomi Magnus, existential psychotherapist at North London Therapy. “While it’s natural to want a deep, meaningful connection, it’s also important to understand that not every date will lead to a perfect match. Look at dates as opportunities to learn about yourself, meet interesting people, and practice communication skills, rather than expecting them to immediately lead to ‘the one’. Try to embrace the journey, rather than fixating on a specific outcome.”
Part of feeling better, Hussey says, is about depersonalising the negative experiences and reframing them; if someone treats you terribly, rather than stewing in that feeling and allowing yourself to sink into a spiral of self-loathing, it’s more constructive to think that they were never going to be right for you anyway. And, if you can, try to replace that anger with gratitude; they showed you who they were and now you don’t need to have anything to do with them. “We have to stay connected to what we want, which is to find someone who truly gets us,” adds Hussey. “You may have had a string of disappointing experiences, but ultimately you only need one.”
Dealing with rejection is an unfortunate – but integral – part of the process. Again, learning how to cope with it is a matter of reframing. “The whole point of love is that you find someone who gets you and understands what is valuable about you and chooses to be with you because they see that value,” explains Hussey. “If they didn’t see that value, then how much do you lose? Nothing. That’s just our ego that got hurt because someone didn’t like us back. Your ego lost. But you didn’t lose love in that situation. And that’s a really important distinction.”
We also need to get more comfortable with the reality that finding a long-term partner can take time. This is not something we’re used to in the modern world, when everything from takeaways to party dresses can be on our doorsteps within minutes. Apps rely on this sense of immediacy; the swiping mechanism has encouraged us to see dating in the same vein as Deliveroo. And while you can theoretically swipe and talk to someone hot within a matter of seconds, to build a real connection takes time – and usually a face-to-face meeting.
“The instant gratification of apps can create unrealistic expectations, making people feel like they’re missing out or settling when they don’t find ‘the one’ right away. Take time to cultivate your passions, pursue hobbies, and work on your personal goals,” suggests Magnus. “When you feel secure and content in your own life, you’ll be better equipped to form healthy and fulfilling relationships.”
A common course of action being taken among my most dejected single friends is that dating is so dreadful perhaps they’re better off reconnecting with their ex. “Maybe they weren’t so bad,” one recently mused over coffee. “Didn’t he cheat on you with his 24-year-old colleague?” another friend quipped. “Yeah but, like, he’s tall and has a good job,” she replied. It goes without saying that this is generally a pretty bad idea.
“Most of the time, we pine for an ex because we are playing back the thought reel in our minds, instead of the documentary,” says Jillian Turecki, host of the hugely popular Jillian on Love podcast and author of It Begins With You: The 9 Hard Truths About Love That Will Change Your Life. “Write that down and look at it every single day as many times a day as you need to. Also, speak to your friends who can remind you of how difficult [being with your ex really] was.”